There is a new terror stalking Ohioans. A terror so fierce it cannot be controlled. Cannot be tamed. Cannot even be predicted. A terror so fierce it causes every dumb motherfucker in front of me on the freeway to slow to a crawl. That terror is of course, WATER!!!
Today, it rained. And in the biggest display of god awful stupidity I have seen since the 2000 presidential inauguration the people on the freeway were going literally 15 miles per hour. I don't give a rat's ass if King Motherfucking Kong is walking alongside the highway, you move your ass at some semblance of the speed limit or stay home. I can understand blizzards, snow, hail, and other conditions limiting visibility and causing chance of death but for the love of god, it is water. Ohioans tend to treat rain like liquid death. COME INSIDE QUICK HEATHER, THERE BE RAIN A BREWIN'!!
This brings me to another point of serious pissed-offedness. We all know pass left but most of us seem to be oblivious to KEEP RIGHT!! I swear, if it were legal in this country I would shoot the rear quarter panel of every car I saw travelling at even 1 mph slower than the speed limit in the left lane. Damn near all traffic backups not involving accidents could be avoided if that half blind bumblefucker in the Tercel would get right. When someone behind you puts on their left blinker... and they're in the left lane... they're not saying "hello" they are saying "Get right you pile of inbred donkey shit".
Last but not least, we have the cowards. If you are scared to drive even 5 mph over the speed limit, afraid of being alongside semi trucks, or are unsure about your abilities on the highway... STAY THE FUCK OFF THEM!! I mean, seriously, get a chauffer. If you meet these qualities there is a good chance you are a spoiled little princess anyway. So instead of almost causing an accident, just stay home, be a princess, and get me a fucking beer...
Badnarik for President!
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2 comments:
I, too, hate water.
There is a group for us. Bitches.
http://www.haloscan.com
The bigger question is: why do they get licensed in the first place?
And then there are those precious drivers who play the "pass&slow" car tag. Try that with a semi. Just try it. I dare you.
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