Cultivating Ineptitude: American Society

Here is a short, but to the point rant about ineptitude and how to cure it:

Take the safety labels off of EVERYTHING.

Think about it. It used to be that the kid who swallowed too many legos as a child choked, died, and did not grow to have kids of equal ineptitude. In addition, kids who put their hands in lawnmowers, watched large metal objects in the microwave with their foreheads on the glass, and who played tackle football in the street were most likely doomed for death as well.

There are exceptions though. Say one survives. Well (s)he learns his(er) lesson (we call this evolution) passes these lessons to his(er) children and the species benefits.

There. Problem. Solution.

Humans have tampered with evolution long enough. What is so bad about letting the incompetent die?
==================================

As I was driving in my car today I had a thought: the human race has outpaced evolution.

At first, I was thinking that Darwin was completely wrong, because, obviously, if there was such thing as evolution 59 million Americans would not have made a voluntary decision to vote for George W. Bush.

Then, I realized, that is just what those filthy Republicans want me to think. The whole dumb president thing is just a small part of a large scheme to get people to stop believing in evolution, abortion, homosexuality, and all types of ill shit (ill shit as it is defined by religious zealots and other such freaks).

So then I realized that evolution still is very real. The problem is the huge surge in the human population that started in the 1700s. There is too much safety for humans. We can beat diseases. We can beat starvation. Don't have any money? Oh, you have a credit card, it's like money and, look, there's an Olive Garden! You can eat!

It is too easy for people to survive, that is why so many are fucking dumb. You can get by being dumb. Fuck it, you can be dumb and be the fucking President if you want--Sky's the limit!

I think that we need to dump some chlorine in the gene pool. Seriously, let's get the smartest and strongest and breed them--fuck the dumb shit. Seriously, if I am not chosen among the smartest and strongest, I won't complain, honestly.

For real, if aliens come to take over I am turning SOOOOO traitor.


peace in the middle east (yeah right),

deuce





Not a god damned thing...

Manners and Their Practical Application to Life

Okay, I have noticed a disturbing trend in society. People are fucking stupid.

I wouldn't have so much of a problem with religion, education, and politics if they actually taught people useful things. I mean, honestly, social control is the primary function of these institutions that were originally created for EDUCATION.

For example. If I open the door and stand by it as you approach, don't fucking stand there, go through the damn door. I wouldn't be standing on the wall side of the door if I wanted to go through, I opened it for you. Oh, and if you do somehow manage to find said opening and go through it successfully, a thank you is always the cherry on top. I don't like you, I don't even know you, I do it for the thanks. You see, I collect them.

Another thing, big in my book, PASS LEFT KEEP RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS!!! If I come up on your ass at 80 mph in the left lane and the right lane is so devoid of traffic it resembles the ranks of the prohibitionist party, kindly move to the right lane. Or, you can force me to pass on the right and then flick me off from the comfort of that oh-so-confining left lane. You are a recruiter for the NRA and you don't even know it...

Lastly, a host of others that upset me:

If I give you space in front of me to get over to pass a semi, get over, don't slow down cuz that makes me look like a bad driver and now we're both going slow and blocking both lanes.

You are driving down the street. I am waiting to cross the street. I wave you to continue driving. There you go.. why the FUCK are you stopping?! Did my frantic waving to continue confuse you? Are you epileptic and the fact I have a neon pink shirt with bright yellow gloves cause you to go into seizorama when I waved? No, so keep driving asshole. You car, me pedestrian. I have right of way which I literally waived (+2 Pun Points!) to you.

I swear if they'd just cut the war on drugs and make a "things everyone should know" PSA and send it to everyone this country would start to kick ass again.

Educate yourself, because God, George W. Bush, and your teachers (college and some High School exempt from this comment) aren't going to.




This is not my beautiful wife...

You Are Here To Help Us. NOT To Fuck Us Up.

Does that seem clear to you?

The Deuce and the Doctor have decided that this voyeurism shit is not going down any longer! You read the blog, you react, you leave. See that comments button on the bottom there? No, that's your fucking taskbar. Look in the webpage... no, I said BOTTOM. You fucking...

Anyways, if you laughed, I wanna know about it. If you cried, I wanna feel the fuckin' tears. I want to use this place as an interactive masterpiece, not a fucking news site.

So from now on, you like it, post a comment.
You hate it, post a longer comment.

You think we're wrong? Feel free to post a comment but we'll delete it later and find you and kill you. We're not wrong, YOU'RE WRONG! You are what's wrong with this country. Now hop in your Humbler, drive to your republican upper class neighborhood and get one of your doctor neighbors to surgically remove you head from your ASS!! Seriously, how did you even end up reading this page let alone the logistics of lighting in your rectum...

Rectum... damn near killed em!!

Lastly, if you have a suggestion, man, throw it down because we are some sensitive receptive motherfuckers.




You sing for hoes and sound like the Cookie Monster

Egocentrism, Haphazardnous, and Much Much More...

Todays post is dedicated to me. Me in the sense of, it is about me, not necessarily for me.

Most people, at one time or another in their history of knowing me, have thought I am an asshole. Sometimes it is because I say what I think, others it is because my sense of humor doesn't align with their view of comedy. Sometimes it is just because a 6'2" 245 lb. muscular man just kinda looks like an asshole. Well, that's fine with me... to a point. That point is exactly where people stop thinking it and start saying it. It should be noted that I haven't the slightest bit of qualm about someone approaching me and spouting obsenities from their ravenously frothing mouth and insulting my genitalia and familial history. However, I do have a problem when someone approachs others to converse about my general resemblance to the human sphincter without confronting me first.

It is when people are talking behind backs that phrases like "Don't get hard with me MOTHERFUCKER!" and "Look me up when you get out of the fucking hospital!" begin to have a certain appeal. I mean seriously, why not stand on your fucking soap box and then get down when the object of your rant comes within earshot. I know if I were on a soapbox bitching about King Fuck-Stick and he came walking by, I'd throw the god damned soap box at his head and continue bitching to his unconscious corpse. I can understand the fear associated with confrontation but as my favorite three-nipled seer of all things said, "Without confrontation there can be no resolution".

However afraid of confrontation you are, I am nothing like what you read above. If you walk up to me and say "Hey, you know what, I think you're an asshole!" I won't throw anything at you except questions and discussion. Example: Sarah Petree, or as some know her, Catfish, hated me for the better part of six years. After initiating confrontation and discussing the matter, a peaceful conclusion resulted. She no longer hates me and can now even tolerate my presence for times up to and exceeding 3 hours! Sorry to use you without permission Sarah but it suited the topic well. I WILL NOT post the AIM log that I still have, so don't worry if you are.

Anyways, I digress. Asshole, Sexist, Bastard, Dishonest, Shady, Egocentric, Haphazard, the list goes one. If you think I am anything other than a good friend, honest{to an understandable extent}, intelligent, and forthright, TELL ME. Don't walk around bad-mouthing me and then get upset when I approach you with a "What the fuck!?" I mean, bad-mouthing things and then trying to act like all is well with them is the foundations of United States Foreign Policy... and look how well that's working out.

In short, you got a problem with me?

How Do You Even Leave Your House...

There is a new terror stalking Ohioans. A terror so fierce it cannot be controlled. Cannot be tamed. Cannot even be predicted. A terror so fierce it causes every dumb motherfucker in front of me on the freeway to slow to a crawl. That terror is of course, WATER!!!

Today, it rained. And in the biggest display of god awful stupidity I have seen since the 2000 presidential inauguration the people on the freeway were going literally 15 miles per hour. I don't give a rat's ass if King Motherfucking Kong is walking alongside the highway, you move your ass at some semblance of the speed limit or stay home. I can understand blizzards, snow, hail, and other conditions limiting visibility and causing chance of death but for the love of god, it is water. Ohioans tend to treat rain like liquid death. COME INSIDE QUICK HEATHER, THERE BE RAIN A BREWIN'!!

This brings me to another point of serious pissed-offedness. We all know pass left but most of us seem to be oblivious to KEEP RIGHT!! I swear, if it were legal in this country I would shoot the rear quarter panel of every car I saw travelling at even 1 mph slower than the speed limit in the left lane. Damn near all traffic backups not involving accidents could be avoided if that half blind bumblefucker in the Tercel would get right. When someone behind you puts on their left blinker... and they're in the left lane... they're not saying "hello" they are saying "Get right you pile of inbred donkey shit".

Last but not least, we have the cowards. If you are scared to drive even 5 mph over the speed limit, afraid of being alongside semi trucks, or are unsure about your abilities on the highway... STAY THE FUCK OFF THEM!! I mean, seriously, get a chauffer. If you meet these qualities there is a good chance you are a spoiled little princess anyway. So instead of almost causing an accident, just stay home, be a princess, and get me a fucking beer...




Badnarik for President!

Where'd This Come From...

Ok, so I realize I haven't blogged in a hair under a month so I decided to throw you a bone, and a change-up is how I'm throwin' down.

I realized today, on a mission of commerce for nothing in particular that the human civilization is a massive yin and yang. Good and Bad. Intelligent and Stupid. It was at Meijer, looking at some of the people inhabiting the latter categories of the previous comparitive statements that the inherint horrendousness of humanity was summoned to the forefront of my thoughts:

I'm all for Natural Selection but the human race fucking cheated. Seriously though, picture the image of a native american, strong in both body and mind, bow string semi-taught, making his way effortlessy and without sound through the forest in search of his meal. Now, flash to Drunken BumbleFuck Bubba stumbling through the forest with his synthetic deer urine, scent-away deodorant, and a high powered rifle capable of picking off a charging rhino, let alone Bambi's narrow ass. So one scenario where man cheated his way into the gold medal of the ecosystem. Mankind is full of scenarios. We want to get around faster, hence cars that damage the environment and the roads we cleared away nature to build so we could use the cars. Not strong enough to knock down that wall to slaughter some of your own species that doesn't speak like you so they deserve to die? Why not build a seige machine!

I know, there is the whole intelligence was the human race's strong point from the get-go and why not use what we can concieve to aid our "struggle for survival". Because half the time it alienates us from the rest of the survivors! I mean, when was the last time you sat down, and just talked with your friend, your grandpa, or hell just a stranger. The former you use e-mail, telephone, or even that beepy little motherfucker down the hall from my office, the fax machine. The latter, most people DON'T communicate with. Society has set up rules that make it awkward, strange, or taboo to just talk to a stranger. Wonerful thing, knowing that if that had been the case a couple thousand years ago I probably wouldn't be writing this.

I could go on for at least another ten pages on the stupidity of man's ever greater competition with his former self. All just to see how much of an asshole he is socially allowed to be if he ever saw his former self at a reunion down the road because meow he's got ten cool new inventions and has conquered another chunk of rock farther from the sun. But then, just as all of the thoughts about how we're doomed to kill ourselves, and meteors come crash into us, an odd thing happens...

Music. I hear music. And not just music, the King. As B.B.'s tool of spiritual communication wails out a solo that chills me to the marrow, I am awash with the wonders of man. Music, art, poetry, even as simple as thoughts on paper. Or thoughts on a magnetized platter in an unknown-to-me location, like the ones you read now. I mean, how can one species so hell bent on blowing the fuck out of a good portion of it's population stop and take time to make the world slighty better for a second before resuming the journey to oblivion? Why take that breif step up on a down escalator?

Then it occurs to me... Much as Chris Rock has poigbantly outlined the difference between black people and niggas, I believe in a more general speaking, of Humans and FuckTards (for lack of a better derogatory word). Niggas, White Trash, Terrorists, Republicans, they all get to sit in their little circle of FuckTard enemies and try to make the world go away before someone else beats them to it. Humans on the other hand paint, converse, make new friends, play an instrument, hum a tune, or just watch the sky and marvel. So Humans VS. FuckTards is the scenario that plays out now and I am always curious to see who gains ground one day and who blows some up (a gain in their book) the next.

So I could spout some "go vote" bullshit or some "maybe use your turn signal and pick one lane" advice for the FuckTards, but I'm too busy with the Humans to take a step down on the up escalator to deal with those pessimistic bunch of my-way-or-the-highway tight-wad ass-masters. Tell society to make sweet passionate love to itself if you want to do something not on their list. Hell, you might just take the polls up a point for the Humans. Get right with the world.

Dear most evil, cock-sucking, fucking bastards on the planet...

I fucking hate you. You and all your little blood-sucking relatives. You serve absolutely no purpose on this planet or its food-chain. You are fucking useless. That is all.

Stay up, Jason



That is not all. Burn in the firey pits of hell for all of the rest of your long eternity... with NO FUCKING BLOOD!!